Marietta dumps baseball for cricket(satire)

By: Andrew Knauff
Publication: The Marcolian(Student Newspaper)


*This article is born out of creativity and is NOT to be taken as fact*

Athletic Director Larry Hiser announced yesterday that Marietta College would be retiring their baseball program and ushering in a new era of cricket success.

“We’re just kind of getting sick of winning all the time,” Hiser said. “We’ve decided to move our efforts into a new sport, and cricket just seemed the obvious choice because of the similar style of play.”

Marietta College’s six baseball NCAA Championships are the highest in the country, and their recent back-to-back championships give them two more than any other school.

“We’ve proved that we’re the best, so what else is there to prove?” said head baseball coach Brian Brewer. “Yeah, I guess we could just keep winning, but why not try a new challenge?”

Cricket has primarily been played in Europe and Asia, but the sport is gradually gaining more traction in the US. Youth programs have begun around the country, and the kids are looking for role models in the sport, Hiser explained.

Brewer and the rest of the coaching staff will move into similar coaching roles for the cricket team. The current baseball team will finish out their 2013 season, but next year the entire returning baseball team will be offered a spot on next year’s cricket team.

Junior pitcher Ben Federuchi has mixed feelings about making the switch from pitcher to bowler. “It’s been an honor to play for this program, but I am really excited at the possibility of playing cricket,” said Federuchi. “I’ve always wanted to play a game that can go on for days and still end in a tie.”

Surprisingly, the announcement has been met with large support from alumni. Donations from former international students have totaled at nearly $1 million within 24 hours.

Several students have also expressed enthusiasm at the change. “I’ve recently just gotten really into Pakistani sports,” said junior Tyler Bordell. “Some people follow March madness, some people follow the NFL, but I follow the Pakistani cricket teams.

Following the 2013 baseball season, renovations will begin on the famed Don Schaly Baseball Stadium. Construction will hopefully finish by August of 2013.

“I expect us to have immediate success for several reasons,” Hiser said. “One, because we expect our talent to transfer over, and two, because no other schools in the conference has a cricket team. We’ll automatically win”

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